Two years ago, in March, I bought these baby clothes. Someone had given me the idea of “if you build it, they will come” when it comes to conceiving a child – in other words, buy some baby clothes, baby stuff, and keep it around – perhaps the baby gods will look kindly upon you and bestow you with that little bundle you’ve been so desperately hoping to receive.
A year later, which is a year ago, my husband and I sat in a doctor’s office, after some brief medical intervention, and he told us you have a less than 1% chance of having a child and there isn’t anything more we can do for you. Being in my early 40s, I wasn’t all together surprised, but I was still heart-broken. I had always envisioned being a mother. So, being the therapist and believer in personal growth that I am, I did the work. The grief work. I let go. Day-by-day, moment-by-moment. I performed little rituals in line with my spiritual beliefs, and told the baby gods, whatever it was they did or didn’t have in store for me, not only would I survive, but I would thrive. Because…well, that’s just what I do. In fact, I even took those baby clothes and put them in a chest from my husband’s home in Africa and wrapped them up in my stepsons’ baby blankets. A burial of sorts. And, in case you miss it, those are clovers on those baby clothes.
So June rolled around and we got married. July rolled around and I had this funny feeling and so I bought a pregnancy test. It was positive. I went to the doctor. That test was positive. Having known this doctor for close to twenty years, I said, “This is crazy. We were told we had less than a 1% chance.” He said…”Well, this just might be your 1%.”
He was right. It was our 1% and, believe it or not, our daughter was born on St. Patrick’s Day this year. That’s right, St. Patrick’s Day. Could I have taken out these baby clothes and put them on her? My husband found them at one point and asked if I planned to use them. I told him those baby clothes would stay right where they are for now, and probably quite some time to come.
Call it luck, call it karma, call it a miracle, it happened.
Now, this isn’t everyone’s story, but the point is, I let go and even if this story hadn’t ended this way, I was at peace with whatever the outcome might be.
May you find your own peace.